2013

I didn't have the energy
我行將就木，無可救藥
I didn't have the words to check myself on any further
我不再有更多話語去更深地試探自己
every time I try to pick up my body
每當我試圖移動這副不堪身軀一絲一毫
I feel like I was picking up a corpse
我就感覺自己早已淪為一具空蕩的死尸
I laid in my bed and content
我躺在床上，躺在一片僅剩的夢境里
letting myself to carry away
魂飛魄散是我唯一的救贖
I wasn't afraid anymore
我早已不再秋紈畫扇
not of death because that's never being something that ever bother me or cause me discomfort
我早已不再懼怕死亡因為那已永遠不會令我煩惱
I was no longer afraid to look at my parents' eyes
我早已不再懼怕直視父母的眼睛
and without them saying a word knowing they were disappointed at me
即使他們緘默不言我也知道他們對我失望透頂
I was no longer afraid of letting myself down
我早已不再秋紈畫扇
everything lacked luster everything lacked colour
萬物傾失光照，萬物傾失綺麗
everything around me just start fading out
我的世界開始消退，闃然隱沒，溺死在一片黑白的狂瀾里
like I was me drowned
就像溺死的我
and it was me who was drowning myself
就像溺死的我
what's the point
重點是什麼
I'd lay on the ground for hours and ask myself that what's the point of succeeding
我破碎在地，時境遷躍，黑暗中自問
just die a few years later and all mean nothing
數年后化作塵埃，一切不過是一場黑暗中的自導自演，毫無意義
what's the point to being happy about that if it doesn't last forever
你我若非恆久之事，那為何對彼此綻開笑靨
but then I thought
但後來我想
why do you think need to last forever for them to be meaningful
為什麼你認為只有恆久存在的事物才不是虛無
I was expecting too much
我希求太多
I wanted to always be happy
我想永遠快樂
and have things alway going good
讓所有事物完美
but that's so unrealistic
但那太不現實了
so instead of drowning on the fact of life that can't be changed
所以不要試圖淹沒生活中無可改變的事實了
why not...why not...
為什麼……為什麼不……
why not enjoy that five minutes of happiness
為什麼不試著享受五分鐘的快樂
why not try to make my life out of something I am interested in
為什麼不以自己想要的姿態生活
and none of these things would last forever
所有事物都有終末之時
but I want them
但那就是我卑微生命的全部了
why is there need to be a deeper meaning than that
還需要什麼比這更深刻的意義呢
why not doing things because you want to
為什麼不行欲行之事
I still struggle sometimes there's days where I feel like my body could crumble at anytime
有時我仍然掙扎，在某些日子我甚至感覺這幅軀殼會隨時崩潰
but I made this choice to stop depriving myself
但我做出了選擇，不再毀滅自己
I made the choice to live
轉而選擇這可恥的生