The Scarlet Pimpernel

PERCY:
Lud love me such conjecturing
Could drive a man insane!
And I'm the one to set
This gossip quite to rest
The Pimpernel is me!
MARGUERITE:
Indeed, and I'm the queen of Spain!
ARMAND:
The Pimpernel is nothing
But a nosy pest!
A WOMAN:
No, the vicar says the Pimpernel's
A bishop in disguise
MARIE:
Who gives absolution
Night and day!
A MANSERVANT:
Stuff and nonsense! Don't you know
He's a maharajah from Bombay?
A WOMAN:
They say he has enormous feet!
A MANSERVANT:
And that he tends to overeat!
A WOMAN:
I've heard he's fussy with his food
LADY LLEWELLYN:
And eats his breakfast in the nude!
WOMEN
Is he robust
Or very pale?
At least we know he's male!
Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel?

A MAID:
Me sister says his breath
Is sweeter than an Irish rose!
MAIDS:
I'm sure I'd fall in love
If he would cross my path!
A MANSERVANT:
La, yes if you could overlook
The warts upon his nose
A MANSERVANT:
And possibly persuade him
He should take a bath!
A WOMAN:
Rumor has it he's Castilian!
A WOMAN:
He's a reckless buccaneer!
LADY LLEWELLYN
And I hear he carries sev'ral ... whips ...
PERCY, spoken:
Several ... whips?!
ARMAND:
He's a sultan from Kabul
MARIE:
With women at his fingertips!
A WOMAN:
They say he's nearly eight feet tall!
A WOMAN:
And yet quite graceful -
A MANSERVANT:
Folderol!
A MANSERVANT:
I'm told he waddles when he walks
MENSERVANTS:
And often twitches when he talks!
A MANSERVANT:
Is he a dolt?
PERCY:
He's very deep!
ALL:
Oh, England's losing sleep!
PERCY:
Who is this blasted Pimpernel?
A MANSERVANT:
The butcher in the village
Claims he saw the man last week
PERCY, spoken:
Where?
A MANSERVANT:
Galloping his camel 'cross the moor!
A WOMAN:
He's been seen
A MANSERVANT:
Wearing full Blakeney green!
PERCY:
I've told you all before!
The fella's me!
A MANSERVANT:
It's George the Third!
A MANSERVANT:
Perhaps a convict run amok?
A MANSERVANT:
This Pimpernel could be most any sod!
PERCY, spoken:
How dare you?
A WOMAN:
Bite your tongue
He is dashing and young!
WOMEN:
The Pimpernel's a god!
And he'll find me!
And he'll wake me!
And he'll take me
LADY LLEWELLYN:
Down on a haystack
WOMEN:
He'll face me
MEN:
Then at last you could tell
If he's a hero or a monk
A fiddling Nero or a drunk!
Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel?
PERCY, spoken:
It's me, it's me!
A MAN:
I'm sure he's flatulent and crass!
MEN:
Hear, hear! The man's a horse's ass!
WOMEN:
No, no! He's neighborly and kind
LADY LLEWELLYN:
But quite erotically inclined ...
ALL:
Whatever guise he may employ
He's England's pride and joy!
This plucky non-pareil!
PERCY:
This lucky bloody swell!
ALL:
Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel?