a Letter

Everybody wants a reason for everything. 

Its so much easier with
Someone or something to blame. 


Ive always struggled at the
Root of the problem. 

Has it been absence or my constant lack of
Defense? 


Ive never spent a lot on finding a remedy.
I guess I figured that it hurt for a reason.
I guess
Thats why
Ive always
Turned to writing it down.
Not just in stories, but the letters in between. 

And I guess thats why it haunts the pages of everything—to
Self-examine. 


I think the thing is that
I shut off from
Everything.
From friends and family and my own ambitions.
From having fun.
I just shut off from everything.
Self-defeating?
Yeah, probably.
But I Dont know that
I had total control over it.
And Im not sure it even
Matters why.
Sometimes things
Happen and you cant do anything.
Plus, Im
The only one who deals with it anyway.
So if everyone could do me a favor
And just put their fingers down
Id—and keep your
Mouths—

Sorry.
I know I seem angry.
Im not, I...
I promise.
I Just know
I did this to me.
And I will deal with it accordingly.
And I Dont need opinions from those never a part of it.
Dont need them pointing
Out my problems, theyre mine.
Dont need reminders
I know better than
Anyone. 


And yeah,
I know, I should be finding another way.
I Know that
I should be out seeking a
Substitute.
But just forgetting never
Really made sense to me. 


So I havent been. 


Do I feel embarrassed about it?
I think you know the answer to that.
I think Youd probably feel a
Little bit embarrassed for me, wouldnt you? 


I know I shouldve moved on ages ago, been happy already, but
Its never been that easy for me.
Or maybe it was me that made it so hard. 


I know Ive only ever tried a handful of times to sever this
Thing torturing me.
It never got me anywhere, with anyone.
No friendship or
Hobby, no lovers bed worked.
But looking back
I Maybe never tried hard
Enough, and it is my fault. 


Maybe I never tried at all.