The Scarlet Pimpernel

PERCY:
Lud love me such conjecturing
Could drive a man insane!
And Im the one to set
This gossip quite to rest
The Pimpernel is me!
MARGUERITE:
Indeed, and Im the queen of Spain!
ARMAND:
The Pimpernel is nothing
But a nosy pest!
A WOMAN:
No, the vicar says the Pimpernels
A bishop in disguise
MARIE:
Who gives absolution
Night and day!
A MANSERVANT:
Stuff and nonsense! Dont you know
Hes a maharajah from Bombay?
A WOMAN:
They say he has enormous feet!
A MANSERVANT:
And that he tends to overeat!
A WOMAN:
Ive heard hes fussy with his food
LADY LLEWELLYN :
And eats his breakfast in the nude!
WOMEN
Is he robust
Or very pale?
At least we know hes male!
Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel?

A MAID:
Me sister says his breath
Is sweeter than an Irish rose!
MAIDS:
Im sure Id fall in love
If he would cross my path!
A MANSERVANT:
La, yes if you could overlook
The warts upon his nose
A MANSERVANT:
And possibly persuade him
He should take a bath!
A WOMAN :
Rumor has it hes Castilian!
A WOMAN:
Hes a reckless buccaneer!
LADY LLEWELLYN
And I hear he carries sevral ... whips ...
PERCY, spoken:
Several ... whips?!
ARMAND:
Hes a sultan from Kabul
MARIE:
With women at his fingertips!
A WOMAN:
They say hes nearly eight feet tall!
A WOMAN:
And yet quite graceful -
A MANSERVANT:
Folderol!
A MANSERVANT:
Im told he waddles when he walks
MENSERVANTS:
And often twitches when he talks!
A MANSERVANT:
Is he a dolt?
PERCY:
Hes very deep!
ALL:
Oh, Englands losing sleep!
PERCY:
Who is this blasted Pimpernel?
A MANSERVANT:
The butcher in the village
Claims he saw the man last week
PERCY , spoken:
Where?
A MANSERVANT:
Galloping his camel cross the moor!
A WOMAN:
Hes been seen
A MANSERVANT:
Wearing full Blakeney green!
PERCY:
Ive told you all before!
The fellas me!
A MANSERVANT:
Its George the Third!
A MANSERVANT:
Perhaps a convict run amok?
A MANSERVANT:
This Pimpernel could be most any sod!
PERCY, spoken:
How dare you?
A WOMAN:
Bite your tongue
He is dashing and young!
WOMEN:
The Pimpernels a god!
And hell find me!
And hell wake me!
And hell take me
LADY LLEWELLYN:
Down on a haystack
WOMEN:
Hell face me
MEN:
Then at last you could tell
If hes a hero or a monk
A fiddling Nero or a drunk!
Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel?
PERCY, spoken:
Its me, its me!
A MAN:
Im sure hes flatulent and crass!
MEN:
Hear, hear! The mans a horses ass!
WOMEN:
No, no! Hes neighborly and kind
LADY LLEWELLYN:
But quite erotically inclined ...
ALL:
Whatever guise he may employ
Hes Englands pride and joy!
This plucky non-pareil!
PERCY:
This lucky bloody swell!
ALL:
Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel?